In response to The Law of Tithing

You Don't Have to Can to Get to Heaven: Discussion: The Law of Tithing



A friend recently talked about when she decided she could no longer support paying a tithing to the LDS church.  It got me thinking about when I left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and prompted me to write on my anonymous blog (hence you reading this).



I was a convert to the LDS church.  I commonly explain to others that I joined the church for the wrong reasons.  It aptly describes how I ended up a Mormon and later leaving.  The reasons are much deeper and complex than that, but it adequately explains my initial membership in the LDS church.



At some point I stopped pretending to believe and believed.  I could probably write an entire dissertation on what that means, but I honestly felt that I had accepted the Mormon yoke upon my shoulders.  Just after taking on these beliefs as my own, I started to learn deeper truths that led me to change those beliefs and once again pretend to believe.  That process was complicated and formed into a clearer picture over a few years time.



During my time in the church, tithing evolved over the years.  At first, tithing was a difficult thing, as I'd never done it before.  My first wife, who had grown up LDS in Utah, tithed from the moment she started going to church again.  We cohabitated (in sin, if you will) for about a year and a half before we got married, and I never tithed.  During that time, there was a lot of pressure on me to join the church, which only became stronger after we got married.  It was around that time that the ward members and missionaries, not to mention my first wife, were wearing me down on joining the church. After finally joining the church, I started paying a tithe.  And that's when things got hard.



I didn't make a lot at work.  My wife at that time had been working while we dated, and even after we got married, so our two incomes were adequate to pay for our home and bills, even with her tithing.  But once we had our first child, she stopped working to be home with our daughter.  I became the sole income provider.  She'd been working for an insurance company, and lost our wonderful 100% covered insurance when she quit, and I couldn't afford the insurance at my work.  We went from doing just fine to being poor in a matter of months.  But I kept paying my tithe.



At some point, my dad (who had been supportive of me joining the church, to some extent) pulled me aside and asked me where my money went.  I'd lost almost 50 pounds from eating free popcorn at work for lunch.  We were having Stove Top Stuffing almost every night for dinner,and getting food through WIC.  My wife took on a baby sitting job for a couple of kids to earn some money, and we even had a former coworker of my wife living in our home for income.  My dad saw us struggling, and wanted to know why.



Eventually, he zeroed in on tithing as a big problem, and it made him furious.



I was paying 10% of my measly income to the church, and starving myself, my wife, and our young child.



They always said that paying a tithe without question would reward you in blessings.  I believed they were there, but it took a non-Mormon pointing out that I needed to go on welfare assistance to make me wonder if I was really blessed for my sacrifice.



I put the logic aside and continued to pay tithing for many years.  Eventually, my first wife convinced me to move to Utah, leaving my life behind.  I was going to finish college (didn't), live in my mother-in-law's basement to save money (didn't), and grow spiritually (worked for a while).



When I had no job, I didn't pay any tithing.  Conversing with my ward bishop, I'd often feel guilty for not paying a tithe, even though I wasn't making anything. In time, I stopped going to school and got a job, and started tithing again.  By then, the allure of the LDS church in Utah was wearing off, and a couple years later I stopped paying tithing in anticipation of leaving the church.  I stopped cold-turkey at the end of 2004, and it was actually nice to keep more of my earnings.  For the first time in years, I could afford a house again.  I didn't struggle as much, and I certainly didn't feel guilty.  In some way, I felt freed when I stopped paying a tithe.



Years before, my dad had made a point which I chose to ignore: your family comes first.  At a time when I was starving myself, my wife, and my baby girl, I should have been using that money for food.  The church raked in billions of dollars and used it as it saw fit.  Members of the ward (and the bishop) knew we were struggling, and only once did the storehouse come up.  We used it only the one time.



These past few years, my current wife and I have struggled.  We've gone to the church - our neighbors - for help after they offered, and do you know what one of the first comments were?  We should be paying tithing.  My family is struggling, and you want me to help the church.  I can easily imagine what it would be like if I had been paying a tithe because I'd been there before.



I'm sorry, I learned that lesson ten years ago.  Family comes first.  You have enough money already.

My job makes me feel like an indentured servant. Its too much of a sacrifice in my life.

Really?

Has it really been so long?


Interestingly, my last blog entry here was from May 12, 2010.  It even started with "I haven't written in a while."


Curious.


The irony of the timing of that post doesn't escape me.  I had a serious medical incident only two weeks later, which took me out of work for eight months.  I had to be in a wheelchair for months, then relearn to walk when I was ready.  It was a hard road, and I'm still recovering from it almost two years later.


So much has changed.  I have a new perspective now.  My time is too precious not to be working toward my dream of being a full-time writer.  I've set my mind on it, and now I'm working for what I want.  I'm still suffering through a shitty work environment, but at least I have writing to take my mind off it.  Everything changed while I was gone, and I don't just mean our product.  The people changed.  The environment changed.  A little bit of our dignity died, and I was lucky to avoid some of it.


My wife had an accident while I was out on leave.  At first, it might have seemed somewhat minor.  But it's turned into something much worse that we will struggle with the rest of our lives.  It's taken a toll on her.  It's taken a toll on me.  It's also done the same on our kids and pets.  Her family is oblivious to what's going on.  Not that we haven't tried explaining it to them.  The silver lining to her condition has been bringing the two of us closer together.  I'm more in love with her now than the day I married her.

One of my closest friends seemed to fall off the face of the earth, and I have no idea why.  I say this in mind of the fact that I've come to terms with it now.  But to say it didn't effect me since 2010 would be a lie.  It changed a lot of things for me.  I gave up on people who had given up on me many years ago.

Everything changed since then.

The good news is, I'm in a much better place to follow my dream of being a writer.  I have the desire now to see it through.  It's imperative that something, even small things, change for the better.  And with this, I have some degree of control.  I can change the way things are.

I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore.  I know I don't.  But know this, stranger, I will succeed, despite you, them, or even me.

Life, Time, Balance

I haven't written in a while.

I haven't written here.  Or on my actual blog.  Or on my other, tech-oriented blogs.  And barely for myself.

There's a writing contest deadline in two days.  I don't have anything.

Some days, I just feel like writing is done.  There's a lot of things in my life that feel that way.  I wonder if the stresses in my personal life are keeping me from writing inspiration.  I wonder if the need to write is so strong, and the failure to write so terrible, that's it's caused the stresses in life.

For the first time in a long time, work is not my issue.  Life is.  Time is.

I want so terribly to provide for my family, and I stress so much about bringing in an income, that I burn out doing it.  I burn out so bad that I have the need to write, which is a way of clearing my mind.  But when I sit down to write, I'm so burned out that I can't get started.  Then I stray onto the web to find something to think about.  I spend hours thinking, only to find no result.  Just now, I spent most of the morning waiting to write, only to write at this very moment with minutes to spare before I must get ready for work.  I don't have enough time to write, and yet, I waste hours waiting to write.

It's effecting my marriage now.  I love my wife like I've never loved another person in my life, and yet, I'm pushing her from me.  I'm toxic to her.  I'm dragging her down.  I don't mean to, it just happens.  My need for clarity is so strong that it's overpowering my need to be with her.  I feel my need for her fighting with everything else, and I can't find balance between all the things I need.  I can't clear my mind on all fronts - only one front at a time.

I need my wife and family.  I need peace in my life.  I need to pay my bills comfortably.  I need happiness.

I used to think a career in writing was the answer to that.  It was a step into something that would make me happy.  It's done nothing but cause me the opposite.  I'd take a hiatus from it, but I'm already effectively doing that.  No, maybe it's time to find a new dream.  Maybe it's time for a realistic dream.

I just don't know what that entails.

Today

Today I was told I did not get the promotion.

I was told that I didn't interview well, which was apparently a surprise because I have a reputation for interviewing well, as I was told.

I walked into the interview certain I wasn't the choice for them, and blew the interview in the process.  Who knows if I would have been the one, but I certainly would have been a better candidate had I not placed my head up my own ass.

How stupid am I?

More on Promotion

So we had our interviews for the recently opened assistant manager position.  My coworker who applied to avoid having to work under the former coworker tells me that he was told during his interview that former coworkers withdrew.  Our assumption is that he withdrew when he learned the better coworker had applied.

Initially, I had a reaction that I'd had the rug pulled out from under me.  When coworker told me he'd applied, even though earlier in the week I'd talked to him about it and seemed to have his "blessing" and support, I felt a little screwed.  Despite that, knowing this coworker, I don't doubt that his intentions were honest.  He doesn't play games like some in the Lundberg state of mind, and I can usually trust him to be an honest guy.

Now, I can't help but wonder if his reason for applying was a ruse.  However, I had indicated to a party who also knew of the situation that I was aware of what was going on, and that Lundberg's reaction was genuinely indicative that I had correct information.

Well, since the interviews are done, I can only wait to learn that I did not get the promotion.

I've been a very upbeat guy these last few years.  In the past, I would have taken this situation poorly and fallen into a depression over it.  I had that moment, for sure, but it hasn't lingered.  I've kept myself positive through all this.  But still, I can't help but question myself sometimes.  Is being upbeat a good thing?  Or am I just fooling myself?

And so...

So it turns out ANOTHER promotion opportunity came up last week.  I was alerted by my Assistant Lundberg friend that it was happening, so I applied for it that evening.

I have a coworker who used to be an Assistant Lundberg at a different branch.  When the branch closed, they moved the employees who were there to our branch.  They gave that coworker a choice: severant's package, or demotion to a sales position.  He's been with the company for about seven years, and enjoys the environment, so he considered taking the demotion.  It was when he realized he'd make more in commissions and salary than he was as a Lundberg that he took the demotion.  He's a great coworker, a little difficult to work with sometimes - especially when I was an Assistant Lundberg while one of them was out on medical leave - but I can work with him fine.

I had asked him if he was applying for the new position, and he told me he wasn't.  He has other aspirations to move on to our business sales department, and has been working closly with that department for some time to get his foot in the door.

And then, yesterday, everything changed.

Coworker pulled me aside and told me that a former coworker, someone who had been transferred to a different branch when they needed to fill an opening, had applied to the new position.  I was a Lundberg when the need to move someone came up, and we chose this individual because of the negativity he keeps around himself.  He doesn't work well with others, he doesn't work well as part of the overall team, and he has a nasty disdain for the customers we serve.  It was a win for us to move him somewhere else.  And now, he's trying to come back with a promotion.  How his being a Lundberg in our office makes sense is beyond me, but according to my coworker, he has the support of multiple Lundbergs and an employee from sales.  These guys all go golfing together every week, so they're close buds.

Coworker and I agree that working for this former coworker would be a living hell.  And then, coworker told me he applied for the position, too.

Assuring me he was all in support of me getting the position, he told me that with the overwhelming support of Lundbergs, both from our branch and others, there was no way he was willing to chance former coworker getting the promotion over me.  So, with his previous two years as an Assistant Lundberg, he applied for the same title and roll he once had at his previous branch to ensure that he did not have to work for former coworker.

I'm just about fed up with all this shit.  I just can't catch a break, can I?