I haven't written in a while.
I haven't written here. Or on my actual blog. Or on my other, tech-oriented blogs. And barely for myself.
There's a writing contest deadline in two days. I don't have anything.
Some days, I just feel like writing is done. There's a lot of things in my life that feel that way. I wonder if the stresses in my personal life are keeping me from writing inspiration. I wonder if the need to write is so strong, and the failure to write so terrible, that's it's caused the stresses in life.
For the first time in a long time, work is not my issue. Life is. Time is.
I want so terribly to provide for my family, and I stress so much about bringing in an income, that I burn out doing it. I burn out so bad that I have the need to write, which is a way of clearing my mind. But when I sit down to write, I'm so burned out that I can't get started. Then I stray onto the web to find something to think about. I spend hours thinking, only to find no result. Just now, I spent most of the morning waiting to write, only to write at this very moment with minutes to spare before I must get ready for work. I don't have enough time to write, and yet, I waste hours waiting to write.
It's effecting my marriage now. I love my wife like I've never loved another person in my life, and yet, I'm pushing her from me. I'm toxic to her. I'm dragging her down. I don't mean to, it just happens. My need for clarity is so strong that it's overpowering my need to be with her. I feel my need for her fighting with everything else, and I can't find balance between all the things I need. I can't clear my mind on all fronts - only one front at a time.
I need my wife and family. I need peace in my life. I need to pay my bills comfortably. I need happiness.
I used to think a career in writing was the answer to that. It was a step into something that would make me happy. It's done nothing but cause me the opposite. I'd take a hiatus from it, but I'm already effectively doing that. No, maybe it's time to find a new dream. Maybe it's time for a realistic dream.
I just don't know what that entails.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
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