Life, Time, Balance

I haven't written in a while.

I haven't written here.  Or on my actual blog.  Or on my other, tech-oriented blogs.  And barely for myself.

There's a writing contest deadline in two days.  I don't have anything.

Some days, I just feel like writing is done.  There's a lot of things in my life that feel that way.  I wonder if the stresses in my personal life are keeping me from writing inspiration.  I wonder if the need to write is so strong, and the failure to write so terrible, that's it's caused the stresses in life.

For the first time in a long time, work is not my issue.  Life is.  Time is.

I want so terribly to provide for my family, and I stress so much about bringing in an income, that I burn out doing it.  I burn out so bad that I have the need to write, which is a way of clearing my mind.  But when I sit down to write, I'm so burned out that I can't get started.  Then I stray onto the web to find something to think about.  I spend hours thinking, only to find no result.  Just now, I spent most of the morning waiting to write, only to write at this very moment with minutes to spare before I must get ready for work.  I don't have enough time to write, and yet, I waste hours waiting to write.

It's effecting my marriage now.  I love my wife like I've never loved another person in my life, and yet, I'm pushing her from me.  I'm toxic to her.  I'm dragging her down.  I don't mean to, it just happens.  My need for clarity is so strong that it's overpowering my need to be with her.  I feel my need for her fighting with everything else, and I can't find balance between all the things I need.  I can't clear my mind on all fronts - only one front at a time.

I need my wife and family.  I need peace in my life.  I need to pay my bills comfortably.  I need happiness.

I used to think a career in writing was the answer to that.  It was a step into something that would make me happy.  It's done nothing but cause me the opposite.  I'd take a hiatus from it, but I'm already effectively doing that.  No, maybe it's time to find a new dream.  Maybe it's time for a realistic dream.

I just don't know what that entails.